My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
