i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
