Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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