Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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