Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
