So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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