they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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