just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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