3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
