I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
