I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
