before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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