If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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