I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize