it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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