So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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