Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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