Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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