Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
