Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
