i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
