We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
