Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
