Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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