Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
