I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize