I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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