dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
