I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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