the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i now understand why vodka
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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