i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
