maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
