When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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