she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
