glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
