I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
