I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
