Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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