if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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