I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
