Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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