my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
