It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
