why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
