i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
