Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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