I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
