i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
