I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
