I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
