Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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