How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize