Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
