is your mom at the bar?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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