I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't deserve a penis
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
