Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
