Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
