I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
People with herpes should wear stickers.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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