NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
